Well I have survived the Centre Parcs obligatory poolside daily walk of shame over the weekend. I do feel quite triumphant I must admit, with stomach drawn tightly in and legs clamped together in an attempt to minimise wobbling, I shuffled and gasped myself from ride to ride in order to provide warm memories and bonding with my off the chart excited children and how could I not? It is a fun fest of mighty proportions if you’re a kid and I was determined to not let my embarassment get in their way. So I had no choice but to wrestle myself into that reinforced fronted blue and white paisley swimming costume with high leg, the only one I could find up to the job despite the hideous eighties pattern and inadvisable cut, and brave those overcrowded, fight for your life/cubicle, cave like changing rooms. I am convinced there are stalagmites in the corners…………
And so it was that I found myself attempting to breathe shallowly and imagining a pencil between my legs poolside, looking down into some seriously animated and joyous faces. With a stiffening of my newly plucked for the holiday upper lip, I minced as purposely as possible towards the Rapids, ignoring all the sniggering and raucous laughter, imagined or not, in my wake….. It was my virgin ride on this bad boy,………….and I hoped he would be gentle with me….he wasn’t…………….
For the love of God! How is that damn ride allowed in this age of health and safety?????? There isn’t even anyone filtering people in one at a time…….I lost complete control of my body at the first bend and it very quickly became ugly………I seemed to spend most of it with my arse in people’s faces no matter how hard I tried to right myself…..My high legged but reinforced swimsuit disappeared up my crotch and I am convinced that at least ten people saw my cervix……..I am not joking. On top of that I nearly drowned…twice. I’m going on trip advisor to suggest they provide shorts and a rubber ring for all middle-aged ladies. That’s got to be a good idea.
Then of course there were the bikes……..Oh the pain in the bottom area. Am I alone in this ladies of a certain age, but I am convinced that since turning forty five I have lost almost all muscle tone and shape in/of my buttocks? Consequently when seated on what appears to be a normal sized bicycle seat it proves, in fact, to be a completely inadequately sized and deeply uncomfortable bicycle seat. I would put money on it that if I had taken one of those little speed humps at anything above five miles an hour that I may have had to take that bicycle seat home with me, if you get my drift……… So I shall also be recommending on Trip Advisor that older ladies may require a much larger seat or, at the very least, significantly more padding to compensate for the flaccid flesh of an aged flat bott. I find it cruelly ironic that mother middle-age giveth you bulges where you don’t want them and leaves you flat as a pancake where you do………..Bitch.
This recipe of Banoffee CupCakes has gone down a storm in my post Centre Parcs house. They have provided a welcome lift in the inevitable come down. I have engaged the help of my children in baking these little beauties. They are now able to break eggs without mini explosions and mix stuff without spilling it everywhere. Consequently most were eaten before the photo shoot but I managed to put myself between the chidren and the wire rack just in time to rescue six or so. The result is a delicious combo of fudge and baked banana….heaven
PIN ME FOR LATER!
I have linked this post with Friday Folics and Baking Crumbs.