Does anyone know what the H in “Jesus H Christ” means?? I feel obliged to find out because rightly or wrongly it’s my favourite profanity at the moment. I feel at moments of extreme exasperation and despair that this phrase delivers just the right amount of emotion and release of tension. It feels good on my tongue and I can inflect all sorts of differing inferences with it depending on the FFS situation at hand. It’s almost genius when coupled with a dramatic eye roll. Think Saffy from AbFab but not so square.
I do take care to mutter it under my breath when the children are in earshot but due to the kids being the usual source of my emotional frustration it is only a matter of time before I am found out. So I thought at least I should be fully knowledgeable about the said phrase particularly as my children go to the local village C of E school and my daughter strongly feels that Jesus is her absolute best friend and saviour of us all (even me) ……. It does appear however that no other B.gger knows either, not even Google. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about using it. I am slightly concerned that someone very ancient and high up in holiness is rolling in their grave if I cannot be sure of exactly what I am banding about willy nilly.
I must confess that I am most enthusiastic about comedy swearing too. I really find that a well-timed swear word can be most humourous and take the sting out of many charged situations. Infact I find it’s stress reducing qualities akin to yoga. A well timed f.ckety f.ck f.ck can be euphoric. I can’t get enough of those swearing emojis either….so easy to be outrageously offensive…who knew? I also get a surprising amount of pleasure out of using swear words and phrases as terms of endearment, obviously not with the children (not to their faces anyway) but with other grown ups of the same persuasion (sweary people). My favourite boy one is Kn.bhead and my fave girl one is B.tch or B.tches. So not too profane or offensive, a cuddly, colloquial swear word, just enough to lift the corners of the mouth when uttered in a warm greeting, conversation or mickey take. Absolutely love a friendly insult.
So consequently, much like a friendly cuppa, I seek to use a literal litany of profanities in most of my general day-to-day life. It brings a skip to my step and a twinkle to my cloudy eye and by Christ I need it at the mo….My children are driving me battttttttttttty. Currently whenever they are together they are either attempting to fight each other to the death or psychotically obsessed to ensure that no item belonging to them or ever having belonged to them is touched by the other and if, god forbid, any of the previously or currently owned items is found in the other child’s bedroom/ territory then a screaming battle ensues that would give even an experienced FBI negotiator a big b.stard headache…….With an extraordinary amount of spittle flying and deeply flushed murderous faces I fear for my own life never mind theirs. Gee Whizzle it’s a scary place to be. It starts from their very waking moment and lasts until their little venomous heads hit the pillow. They can’t even clean their teeth together without supervision and a taser….. I simply have one choice it seems to me…..join the madness and scream like a banshee along with them or swear profusely under my breath constantly…another form of parental Tourettes……
I have been longing to make these for ages. Such a simple thing but so irresistibly delicious. The method I use to make the once long-winded Danish Pastry is outrageously simple and every bit as good as the old one but only if you have a food processor. With out one you need to roll out the butter by hand and fold a fair few more times, something that would only appeal to me if hell froze over but if you have greater patience than I then do go ahead….I find that the main problem for me with this recipe is that one is NEVER enough. So BEWARE they are Clucking gorgeous.
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