I managed being in a small cramped, clammy area pretty well I think this Easter holiday. The condensation was marginal and my husband miraculously kept the snoring to a minimum. Although at times I did find it hard to keep my damn hormonal rage in check. It came like a silent assasin from nowhere as these things seem to do now and I only became aware of it when I felt a strong need to scream in everyone’s faces. Only then did I realise my evil twin alter ego was here. I call her Madbitch Mahooley.
She initially got me into trouble the very first day we arrived. There was a swimming pool on site that was open to all in an hour long evening session. Marvellous we thought as the kids could do with some swimming practice on account of my daughter still being a bit rubbish and on the cusp of drowning most of the time. Swimming in public is never my favourite thing but I wanted to do my bit to be remembered as fun Mum not miserable and don’t want to catch a verruca Mum. So I manned or mummed up and hit the changing rooms with a positive attitude and plenty of reinforced panels. All went well until some young teenage boys arrived with their responsible adult sitting it out on the side. As time went on they began to jump in, splash and eventually continually bomb the swimmers that were unlucky enough to be in their half of the pool. It began to bug the cr.p out of myself and Madbitch. We began to send steely stares their way and they became aware of our chagrin. Obvs and fairly enough that only incited them to do it more. I was aware that our handling of the situation was leading us down a confrontational path but Madbitch was literally mad for it and I was simply no match for her. The final straw came in a spectacular bombing that caused my daughter to enter full spluttering doggy paddle mode. I felt her rise up and forward in a psychotic pincer movement and gain complete control of my body. She began gesticulating my arms frantically and lent my upper body forward in order to snarl menacingly at the boy child……….I kid you not………….The boy child knew not what to make of it and actually began to wave back, an uneasy look on his face. The snarling then made it perfectly clear he was dealing with a deranged crazy woman………She left, her anger spent, as swiftly as she had come and I retreated alone and mortified to the shallow end to stub my toes incessantly and think about our terrible behaviour.
AS we returned to the caravan that evening I awaited reprisals ( dog poop through the sun roof, potato in the exhaust ) but all went well. However I did tumble off my ridiculously narrow bed in the middle of the night, putting out my leg in a vain attempt to break my fall only to be hit by ba.tard cramp immediately. I swore like a navvy in whispers, most unsatisfying, before drifting in and out of sleep until dawn and some ignorant t.ats walking their yappy dogs paused outside to discuss their extension. Mahooley was back in a flash and hadn’t learned her lesson…… The question she screamed in my ear was, ” OMGGGGGGG!!! are they so INCREDIBLY ignorant that they are unaware that NOBODY gets a good nights sleep in a bl..dy caravan?????? For the love of God are they BLIND???? ……. By now I would imagine that at least twenty people were awake and aware of the lagging situation in their loft. As I felt a familiar psycho stirring I was ready for her and shot out my hand to ram a huge croissant in my mouth before there could be anymore feral confrontations and we were run out of the caravan park blacklisted, never to return……..Damn that Madbitch Mahooley….
Seeing as I have consumed a whole load of calorie laden rubbish as per usual this holiday I have sought the solace of something fabulous in it’s plainness and wholewheat goodness. I’m sure I read somewhere that it’s good for one’s hormones…..probably the Mail. I have not really baked a lot with wholewheat flour before but love the malty flavour it brings and felt compelled to stop the holiday rot. So inspired I started to try out some Wholemeal Bread recipes. I pretty quickly found that this one brings sweet malt oaty flavour in a way that even floated my wholewheat phobic son’s boat. I was shocked to be honest as he normally throws himself to the floor if anything remotely beige rises from the breadbox……But I can so see why, freshly baked it is just as delicious as white and although best on the day of baking any left overs toasted are seriously right up there…especially with Marmalade…..So good in fact that I can’t stop thinking about them or is that my other alter ego, Big Fat Sue?……….
This Wholemeal Bread is surprisingly simple to make and as long as you are in the house for four hours straight actually mega satisfying to bake. I practically felt like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall by the end of it all. I use a dough hook and a free standing mixer to make all my bread but you can make it in a large bowl by hand before turning out to knead yourself on the work surface. It is a simple mix together followed by two proves….
I then tip out the dough after the first prove, knock back with a few bitch slaps and roll/pull tightly into a sausage shape with the seam at the bottom.
After that put it in your 2lb loaf tin and await it’s second rise….
Dust with flour and bake it’s Wholemeal Bread’s pants off…
Wholemeal Bread Recipe
This is a delicious Wholemeal Bread Recipe fabulously oaty and malty. Freshly baked it is sure to convert even the most stalwart of white bread eaters. Toasted the next day brings it to yet another level of crunchy goodness.
- 100 grams strong white bread flour.
- 400 grams strong wholemeal flour
- 50 grams melted unsalted butter
- 10 grams fine sea salt
- 2 x 7 grams instant dried yeast
- 3 tsp sugar
- 350 mls warm water
Put all the dry ingredients into your large mixing bowl keeping the yeast and salt separate as the salt may kill the yeast.
Tip the melted butter into the flour mix followed by the water and mix using a dough hook or cutlery knife until a dough forms. Knead by hand or using your dough hook until the dough is stretchy and soft. That will take about ten mins by hand and five on a medium speed with your mixer.
Cover in an oiled bowl and leave somewhere warm to rise until doubled in size.That can take an hour to hour and a half to do so.
Tip out the dough and knock back before rolling, pulling the dough into a big sausage shape with the seam underneath. Place into your oiled loaf tin and cover with oiled clingfilm until it has risen 2 cm above the rim. Again put it somewhere nice and warm. Usually about 40 mins.Dust the top with flour and bake for about 40 mins and wonderfully brown all over. Cool on a wire rack and marvel at how bloody brilliant you are.....
Apply to Madbitch Mahooley's Face.
Here is another amazing Bread recipe – The Best Bread Rolls.
PIN ME FOR LATER!
I have linked my post with Brilliant Blog Posts over at a Honest Mum – Baking Crumbs over at Only Crumbs Remain – Cook Once Eat Twice over at Searching for Spice – Cook, Blog, Share over at Recipes Made Easy.