For the love of God. I feel like I’m drowning in sibling rivalry……slowly. Each whiney complaint is a barb to my soul, each cat fight a bitch slap to my heart. But most of all it drives me completely insane. Why didn’t I have just one child?!!!! How extremely foolish and shortsighted of me. I have taken to sitting in my chair in complete denial of my refereeing responsibilities. I just can’t cope anymore and am letting them spend most of the time feral.
It’s mostly the noise that makes the top of my head feel like it is about to explode. Now I’m extremely old I seem to need a lot of silence in my life (it’ll be classical music next ) and all this fighting to the death over whose turn it is to have the plastic sword or red cup or just to f.cking breathe, actually physically hurts my brain. I am aware it is all completely normal, a throwback from survival of the fittest but if they don’t stop I may develop a tic or a massive alcohol problem. It just goes on and on and on like a man who’s had far too much to drink. No end in sight….just none.
I took them to the local reservoir and park today in an effort to avoid the usual mental anguish and survive the day without tears (mine). It is a 5km walk round the reservoir with a lovely park at the end. Tire the little f.ckers out I thought. Genius I thought. Let them take their bikes and I’ll do a bit of power walking………foolish, stupid woman.
It immediately became obvious on arrival that the car park was full of fabulously organised Mummies with rucksacks, sparkling clean trainers and appropiate snacks. They passed me by swiftly on their bicycles with baskets as I shuffled along as quickly as I could, trying to keep my children in sight and safe from passing paedophiles as they cycled away from me around the first bend. Realising that it was stupendously stupid to walk whilst they cycled I was forced to lumber along in a fat person’s lope scanning the horizon for dodgy looking men and the helmets of my children. Not only were my trainers dirty, I had forgotten/couldn’t be bothered to put socks on and very soon into my lope I realised that substantial chafing was setting in. Now I am not a stranger to chafing so I knew that I was looking at at least four days of pain and perhaps some oozing before there would be a renewal of skin. But such was my fear of abduction that there was nothing else for it and I loped on manically into the distance. My lope reminded me of the Hunch Back of Notre- Dame in an old black and white movie, with arms swinging low to keep momentum and head cocked to the right with my left shoulder raised to stop my inappropriate short handled handbag from dropping off my shoulders every basta.d five minutes, it must have been uncanny………amongst other things.
With my children finally safe I limped to the park and set them loose to run amok whilst I tried to attend to my feet. It was chafe city central. All I could do was eat a massive ice cream whilst watching the surrounding hedges for paedo’s.
Even better though I bumped into some like minded mummy’s and we were able to compare gluttonous binging and talk about how fat we are. I won, I was definitely the fattest.
Due to me mostly sitting in my chair I have been desperate for recipes that require little effort but reward in plenty. This is most certainly one of those. I have long been in love with the idea of this white pizza and am so pleased to have finally nailed it. It requires almost no effort at all, especially if you use pre made pizza bases. White pizza is a pizza that is often overlooked, with a myriad of toppings it can be pimped to suit all tastes. This recipe is to mine and all who have tried it.
PIN ME FOR LATER!